Life's Sonatas

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Hi all, enjoy your time here.

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randal, the ruanner

Hi, my name is Randal, 20yo boy.

I love...
playing and listening to music
the chinese ruan and liuqin
going chinese orchestras and ensembles
eating awesome food
go shopping
being who I am
my family and friends
anyone who loves me

I hate...
bad music
people with lousy attitude
awkward silences
staying out too late at night
for not being able to practice ruan

wishlist

ranked by priority

- Song Guang Ning GaoYin Ruan (RoseWood)
- Enter National Institute Of Education in year 2013
- Song Guang Ning Zhong Ruan (ZiTan Mu)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

@ 12:35 AM

Hi everyone. (:

Actually, I won't really say I'm feeling too good, but I am trying to not feel too bad either.

Bah, I'll just rant a bit here before I sleep actually. I know that between the both of us is quite impossible but I'm still holding on. When I see others get close to you, I cannot do anything but just stand aside and fake a laugh.

Although we are quite close, but I know that there is a barrier between us both. And that, I am still very unsure of what you feel. I don't want to confess as I'm afraid of rejection. And in this case, rejection seems to be of higher chance than acceptance. Nonetheless, this won't stop me from treating you differently and such.

I still want you alot as a friend, but I'm honest to say that I do feel uncomfortable when I am near yet far to you. That we seem to chat and talk to happily, but actually there is something which is stopping me from telling you how I feel.

Just bring me out of this agony like how I manage to get over my past crushes. Why are you so hard to get over? Is it because you haven't rejected me straight in the face? Or is it because, this is not mere infatuation but more than that?

I always advise people to 'see more open' but why can't I seem to do it? Is it because the chances of people accepting me are much lower than the normal people out there? 'my kind' of people are really few in numbers, thus lowering my chances of finding someone I like.

But why does every crush I like, doesn't ever seem to work out. And my relationships always end up so nasty. It would be fine if it's just a clean breakup. But they never are. There are fragments here and there, and I'm so deeply scarred but no one ever sees the scars.

Can't anyone tell? How much less happy I am now in comparison to what I used to be in the past? I worry everyday. I think of people who will never think of me. I help people do stuffs with so much silliness that I even laugh at myself. I read people's facebook and get upset over things happen on it.

As much as I want to focus on other more important things, my heart tells me to think of you even though between us has no bright future. grah, I'm in a mess, a big one.

Bleh, on a lighter note, there's RPCO tomorrow, and I'm gonna go school really early to practice hard before meeting weijie for lunch/tea.

Indeed, having a broken heart is like falling off a horse.
Most people will get back on, but some walk away too afraid...
of the pain to take another chance.

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So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time